Here’s Everything Leaving Your Brain This Month

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Hey, Elliot’s brain carriers. Here’s a roundup of everything that should leave your gray matter this month. Will reading this list make it last longer? You might think so, but no. The combined mental burden of work, parenthood and compulsive social media use means that when she’s gone, she’s gone. At the end of this month, you will forget:

  • Everything about the book you just read
  • The name of one of the Musketeers in your group of three kindergarten friends who were so close that you called each other the Three Musketeers
  • Your simple and achievable New Year’s resolution
  • Your number at DVM yesterday although i watched it on a piece of paper over and over as other numbers were called even numbers higher than yours which sounded like gaslighting
  • This It happened one night leaves Criterion Channel at the end of the month
  • That you have subscribed to Criterion Channel
  • The existence of this new book, even if you heard an interview with the author on NPR and said out loud to your wife, “I’d really like to check that out”
  • The names of any of the dwarves of The Hobbit except for Oin and Gloin
  • The last date of your second longest relationship, because it wasn’t as culminating as the second-to-last date where you had the fight that made you both realize it was over even if none of you had recognized it yet
  • The app password which stores all your other passwords, so you only need to remember one password
  • Exactly how exhausted you were the first few weeks after the birth of your son and that’s not the kind of thing you should rush into again
  • That a silent French film was called The artist won Best Picture in 2012 and grossed $130 million worldwide
  • The last phone number you knew by heart other than yours
  • The existence of one of the houseplants you had during confinement and which is still somewhere in your apartment
  • The name of your friend Kelsey’s boyfriend, AGAIN
  • The otherwise mundane moment when you were sixteen and stared at your fridge and arbitrarily told yourself that you would remember this moment forever
  • That you had a mild shellfish allergy as a child
  • Whether you’ve ever listened to a podcast, you’ll soon think of the premise as if it were your own idea.
  • Whether you need more condoms the next time you go SVC
  • What color were your grandmother’s eyes
  • That George Clooney played a detective in an episode of The golden girls

But it’s not everything wrong! You will use the freed space for new additions to your consciousness. Here are all the things that come to mind next month:

  • The chorus of this song you keep hearing SVC which you are sure is from Halsey
  • The first three words of a viral video that many of your friends put on their Instagram stories, but you tap on it and never actually watch
  • How your fifteen-month-old son pronounces your cat’s name Buster (“Shay”???)
  • A fact about Woodstock ’99 that was in the last Woodstock ’99 documentary but not the first Woodstock ’99 documentary
  • Kelsey’s Boyfriend’s Name, You Think, But You’re Wrong
  • The Long Story of a Twitter Fight Between Two Writers Whose Work You’ve Never Read
  • What your normal babysitter can’t do on Thursday nights
  • What your backup babysitter can’t do on this particular Thursday night
  • That the family down the hall, the fourteen-year-old girl, is CPR approved
  • A guy’s idea for a scenario in a restaurant, which seems terrible but his friend tells him that it’s good
  • that you have a EXTREME shellfish allergy in adulthood
  • Every moment of your life still, briefly, on the restaurant floor
  • That your grandmother’s eyes were green
  • That she wants you to come with her
  • That the guy with the bad script idea wears an EpiPen
  • Let fourteen year olds today think you’re weird if you try to pay them cash for babysitting.
  • How much you love your wife, like, really
  • That your wife doesn’t care that you forgot to get condoms
  • Neither do you
  • That the babysitter was watching The golden girls on your Hulu account
  • That Quentin Tarantino played an Elvis impersonator in an episode of The golden girls
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